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I would like to make a few things clear about this post:
1. This post is about being a working mother. I have no intention of alienating women who have chosen to stay at home. I am clueless about the challenges stay-at-home-parents face; I’ve never really done it.
2. If I sound like a whiner, I am. Read my previous post.
3. This is a feminist (bordering on bitter) rage. If you need uplift, do not read.
4. The word balance does not appear in this blog. Balance is not a thing.
5. This post in no way addresses the issues that face low-income working mothers. I am deeply aware that my rage is a privileged one. I concluded recently, as I drove to an away lacrosse game, that low-income single working mother’s would be forced to pull their children out of sports unless someone else drove them. The time and financial resources alone would make it virtually impossible. How do we begin to support low-come single moms in our communities? If you have any suggestions, let me know. I would like to post them.
Sunday night I gathered my children together before bed. I wanted to praise them for their flexibility over the weekend. It was crammed with too many games, graduation parties (of people I deeply love and for whom I am over-joyed-proud), and pastoral work. Before I could really finish, my middle son broke into tears. “I hate it when Daddy is gone. You’re so grumpy!” I tried to muster up compassion. I tried, for a moment, to take note that I probably was grumpy, or if not grumpy, impatient because there was more expected of me that humanly possible.
“I know it’s hard, but there is nothing we can do about it,” I feebly responded.
“You work too much,” he cried.
“I have to work.”
“Couldn’t you work less? You don’t really have to do everything.”
Those words ignited a time bomb. I do not remember my response, but it was something I am sure I would not want to repeat. I walked out of the room, tucked my youngest into bed, picked up the house, cleaned the kitchen, transferred the wash to the drier, and then headed back upstairs. I kissed my boys and tucked them in out of duty, but my rage had no softened. In fact the next day, it was pulsing.
The expectations placed upon me by my family, by our 21st society, and by myself are unmanageable. I did what I was reared to do. I worked my tail off in college and graduate school. This privileged education gave me room to pursue the vocation I was and am passionate about. I married a good man and had children and have made sure they are fed nutritious food, tucked into bed on time, and read books. Is this not enough!?
I am told this is not enough. My house should be clean (says our new HGTV culture and my compulsive nature), I should stay in great shape, and my children should excel in at least one thing which means starting at a young age I need to drive them everywhere in a mini-van. Finally, I should be an unfailingly supportive spouse who always places (if I am aware of this or not) my husband’s work above my own.
I have fought normal societal conventions. My children only play one sport at a time. They attend alternative schools. I relay on “my village” to help me rear my beloved children. I *try* to talk myself down from my obsessive vacuuming. My husband and I are very much mutual partners. But none of these things have helped me resolve the ever competing demands on my energy and attention. My eldest loves lacrosse; I am pleased he is excelling in something he loves. Deep relationships feed me; I love a table filled with good friends eating together. I yearn for more children; three doesn’t feel like enough. I am passionate about my work and my family needs my income. So what should I give up?
Perhaps the question is not what should I give up, but when shall I be offered grace by society, and my son, as a working mother. I should have responded to my son’s tears, “Please offer me a little slack, kid. How about some grace for your mother?”
Yet sadly, if I am to be fully honest, my ticking time bomb was not just about the competing demands and expectations I face as a working mother, but the glaring feminist implications. My husband leaves every two years to take his students to India and no one has ever asked him if this is the best thing for his family. No one. Ever. Instead, he is praised for his worldly experiences and admired for his academic achievements. Further his own children never ask him to stop working too much or blame him for the three plus weeks their mother is grumpy while he is away. They never ask him why the laundry hasn’t been done or where their lacrosse stick is. Ever.
Truth be told if I left my family for three and half weeks, my husband would have to hire support staff. He could not manage balancing the demands of his children, the housework and his profession. To be fair his work is less flexible than mine, but even still, he couldn’t do it. When I have left for short trips, I spend the day’s prior writing detailed lists for him and creating a network of women to assist him. When he boards the plane bound for India there are no lists awaiting me at home; he knows I can handle everything just fine.
So why is my vocation less important than his? Why do my children complain if I work too much, but never notice if he does? Partially, I am to blame. I have helped create my children’s unreasonable expectations. My unsettling rage these past few days is in part because I am angry with myself for not advocated for my professional dreams. But this can’t just be my fault. And why do I know this? Because when I posted this story on Facebook, I received multiple responses from other working moms who understood my rage, my ache, and my frustration.
When, O God, when, will my children notice the demands of my work? When, O God, when will society not question my motherly commitment and instead praise my passion as a pastor? When, O God, when will I be able to step on a plane, leave no list behind, not wonder if I have done the right thing leaving my children behind, and pursue fully what You have called me to do?
Rev. Abigail A Henrich (ehm!) is an ordained minister who earned her stripes at Princeton Theological Seminary and Colgate University. That said, Abby is really a mother-pastor-spouse who lives in a kinetic state of chaos as she moves from her many vocations: folding laundry, preaching, returning phone calls, sorting lunch boxes, answering e-mails, and occasionally thinking deep thoughts in the shower. Unabashedly she is a progressive Christian who believes some shaking up has got to happen in the church.